Your Story
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A Shared Story
Ken asks Nancy:
“I met a really attractive and intelligent woman at a party a few weeks ago. It was a public event at an art gallery. She was a high school teacher in her early thirties. We had been talking for a good half hour and really seemed to be hitting it off. We had even made tentative plans to meet for coffee sometime.Then, things suddenly went downhill. I commented that she had a “nice, full, hourglass figure.” I thought she would take it as a compliment but instead she became deeply offended. She snapped, “Oh really….well perhaps I should do some plus size modeling!” I went into damage control mode and tried to clarify my comments but I think I only exacerbated things when I used the term “healthy”. With a look of complete disgust, she slapped my face and departed.
I will never forget those agonizing moments in the immediate aftermath, as I was standing there alone rubbing my cheek, drawing some judgmental stares from onlookers. Needless to say, it was not my proudest moment!
I guess she had interpreted “hourglass” as meaning big/overweight/full figured. I just thought it meant shapely and well proportioned.
When I told a female friend about this she shook her head and said it was never a good idea to comment on a woman’s figure, even if I thought it was complimentary. What do you think about this?”
Nancy's Advice to Ken
As you experienced, many women are very sensitive when it comes to their shapes and unfortunately, most of those mindsets are negative. Your comment, well-intentioned as it was, in essence reminded this attractive woman of a negative defining moment in her life.In the future (especially with women you just met), I encourage you to compliment their outfit or a particular feature such as her warm smile or beautiful eyes for example. There is so much pressure from the images women see in the media and society to be a particular size and shape, so remember that even the most confident, shapely woman may have in the back of her mind a negative body image.
Ken’s Update:
By the way, I did have an amazing reversal of fortune after I e-mailed her to apologize. We have gone on several dates since then and we really do seem to have a great rapport. She's a wonderful gal! Things are really progressing wonderfully. I have to look at this experience as part of my education in learning about women.Here is our email exchange that started us in the right direction:
This is Ken. We met a few weeks ago at the party in the art gallery. I genuinely meant to compliment you, but in so doing used a poor choice of words that deeply offended you. I am so sorry for any hurt I may have caused you. You are an intelligent woman and a person of integrity, and I have great respect for you. You are also quite beautiful. While my comments were not interpreted as I intended them, it was inappropriate for me to comment on your physical appearance after meeting you for the first time.
I hope you choose to accept my apology, but if not, I sincerely wish you the best in life and I am still grateful for having met you.
Hi Ken,
Gosh, I have such mixed emotions on this. You seemed like such a sweet guy at first and that's why I was so disappointed when you started commenting on my body and taking the conversation into the gutter. I've had some weight issues in the past, so perhaps I'm overly sensitive of any comments that hint at being over-weight. Also, because of my generous curves, I've too often had to deal with men who look at me primarily in a sexual/physical way. Therefore your comments, as well intentioned as they may have been, were like a "perfect storm" of insults.
I do think it would be unfair for me to write you off as an obnoxious jerk, based on one interaction, and a few, unfortunate word choices. So yes, I'm willing to forgive and forget and might even be willing to meet you for coffee but the terms are that you have to pay and I get to order something really extravagant like a large, caramel macchiato.....just joking!
P.S. Regarding the slap across the face....well, I'm an old fashioned gal with zero tolerance for cads and I felt it was the most appropriate response at the time. I will say that you conducted yourself as a gentleman by "turning the other cheek" and coming back to make a sincere apology. Most men would be more concerned with their own pride and resentful of the woman who slapped them.
Hopefully it will be upward and onward from here and no more red cheeks for me ... and, at the end of the day, a slap in the face is a fair trade off for a warm romantic kiss!
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