Should We Stay Married?

Marriage is worth fighting for ... even when you have drifted apart and do not feel "in love" anymore.

Zach Asks Nancy for Relationship Advice:

“Married/Together with my wife for 10 years. We have two young children. She's declared that she loves me, but is not "in love" with me. We have a great partnership, get along wonderfully (with the exception of this dilemma), have two beautiful children, parent well together.

What she claims to be lacking is the passion, the desire, the chemistry.

We have been processing through this for six months. I fell deeply into the quicksand of inadequacy and introspection to really see where I was out of integrity. I have demonstrated my commitment to the marriage in many ways, from my presence with my family, to creating special time for us to connect. Nothing has shifted for her.

Recently, she took up salsa dancing and found a new source of expression for herself. She "turned on" and it felt good. She also attracted another man, who she was beginning to have an affair with and lied and hid it from me until I discovered an email she wrote to him saying that she couldn't wait to be in his arms again.

The affair is over, no infidelity, but it was going there.

Recently, we've been discussing the option of a legal separation, but then she gets cold feet.

There is a tremendous amount of back and forth, her coming close to me and wanting me to comfort her, but then her position of not desiring me or thinking that I cannot give her what she needs comes back and we're right back where we started.

My question is...with my family and my marriage at stake, where do I stand. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't desire me. I want love to flow into our lives. But I do love her, desire her, and want to continue building the beautiful life we have.

But it seems for her, this question of desire is a deal breaker and outweighs everything else.

Part of me wants to move on, but I'm pulled back for my love and for the sake of our long term marriage and especially for our children.

Where do I stand powerfully in this situation?”

Nancy’s Relationship Advice:

Dear Zach,

Understanding her feelings requires looking at the issue from several directions. First of all, people are motivated to marry for a variety of reasons and many women in particular select mates who provide them with a sense of security. All our actions and motivations are based in core beliefs that were ingrained in us from childhood. It is through the beliefs our parents taught us and those relationship dynamics that lead us to adult decisions and choices, especially in love.

Reading between the lines of your email, it is quite possible the initial attraction that led your wife to marry you was the financial security and stability you brought to the table. That need surpassed her desire for emotional validation and connection at that time. This does not mean she does not love you or that your relationship is not real, but she is hiding something from you and that is the barrier that prevents the two of you from emotionally connecting. So what is she hiding? She may have presented a certain facade in the beginning of your relationship to try and become the woman you perceive is the perfect wife and mother. People can go through the motions of a relationship for years - raising a family and creating a home life. That does not mean that inside they feel they are living a lie. From your perspective it may appear that after ten years she has changed overnight and all of sudden she sees your marriage in a different light, but I assure you this was not a recent feeling.

You use an interesting phrase in your email and say that you really wanted to see where you were out of integrity. Words are very powerful and feeling that your integrity was not where it should have been indicates that perhaps you slipped into an emotional affair as well. I am mindful that I only have a glimpse of what is going on in your relationship, but do understand that this issue is not her problem, but one that involves you too.

From my viewpoint, something happened recently that set the chain of events in motion whereas the facade was too difficult to maintain. There is a reason why she goes back and forth and believes you cannot meet her emotional needs. Your relationship provides a sense of security she must have in her life based on her core beliefs, but the need for real emotional connection cannot be suppressed any longer. So she does not really want a separation but neither does she want to feel emotionally empty.

The passion that your wife is seeking is an emotional connection she is not receiving from you in the manner that makes her feel important, special and desired. Each one of us wants to feel this way in our committed relationships and what we need from our mate is unique. What many people do is give their love in accordance to the way they want to receive love. While these gestures and expressions of love are more than likely appreciated, it is highly possible those are not the things that make your wife feel loved and desired. And it is my belief that is the reason why she was so vulnerable to an emotional affair.

It is the responsibility of both people in the relationship to clearly communicate what they want and for the other person to follow through. You stated that you have demonstrated your commitment to the marriage in many ways but from what you have written, it is not resonating with her. A marriage does not get to this place overnight, nor does it rebound with a few quick fixes. I understand that six months seems like forever, but I encourage you to look at the state of your relationship not in a self-critical mode (which is not constructive) but in a manner that allows you to see the marriage from her perspective.

It will take mutual effort, determination and resolve to fight for your marriage and family together. I strongly encourage you to take bold steps and make up your mind that your wife is the number one priority in your life (next to your relationship with God) and then act on that declaration. An impartial third part such as a counselor is highly recommended to keep your progress on track. Nothing in this world is more important than your wife and children and I encourage you not to sit on the fence. Be forthright and strongly committed to not only saying that you want your marriage to work out but following those words up with actions.

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