Generous Or Controlling?

Always giving and uncomfortable with receiving isn't love.

Relationships are all about balance and it is important to remember that being on the receiving end of affection, love and generosity is equally vital for stability as is giving of yourself. Many women have felt and/or heard they are the one who always gives in love. Perhaps you have been told the man in your life now or in the past does not deserve you for all the sacrifices you make in the relationship.

Women generally have an innate nurturing nature, especially in relationships and want to shower the man in your life with affection, attention, gifts, little notes, cooking, cleaning and simply anything that will make his life better. Women can become so enamored with feelings of gratitude for being in a relationship that it becomes easy to gloss over the motivation for that generosity.

If you tend to draw relationships that place you by your own maneuvering into the role of giver and never receiver, the following are points I encourage you to examine to test the real motivation for being comfortable only as a giver.

What behaviors and mindsets alert women to excessive giving in love?

  • I feel worthy of love when I give. Somewhere in the past is a core belief that you are not worthy of love and do not feel you alone are enough to justify your position in a relationship. It is important that you examine the first time you felt this way and work through that particular barrier to vulnerability.

  • I feel guilty when he gives me anything. If you have thoughts of not being deserving of reciprocal treatment by the man in your life, you know there is a problem with your perception of your worth and value.

  • I love his admiration and unconditional love. Coming to the rescue from doing his laundry to running errands, to cooking and cleaning when he has not specifically asked you for these favors should be a sign you are crossing personal boundaries.

  • My needs can wait. No, they cannot because that leaves you in an unequal relationship. In a passive manner, you are taking control by placing the one you love in your debt. You are trying to make him feel he could not possibly live without you because of all the countless things you do for him. Because you desire unconditional love and admiration from your over-giving, you never know if you are loved for the person God made you to be or for everything you do for him.

  • What type of men do over-givers attract?

  • Exploiters. If you have a pattern of over-generosity of your time, money and self, you will tend to attract men who take full advantage of your giving tendency. They freely take advantage of your inability to say, "No." You will be uncomfortable with men who treat you equally and shy away from healthier relationships. By setting a precedence early on, you invite exploitation and then complain that you are not fully appreciated for all you do.

  • Self-centered men. Men who are bored and uninterested in what you enjoy. They do not want to pursue activities other than their own. Before you know it, you will not remember what you enjoyed doing before you met him as you take on his identity.

  • Unsupportive men. In this guy's mind, it is vital you are there for him no matter what level the crisis or emergency. When you face obstacles in your life, do not expect him to be there for you. He will suddenly be absent and no where to be found.

  • Why does excessive giving become a problem in relationships?

  • Loneliness in love. Giving is only one part of an emotionally healthy relationship and living in a continuous state of emptiness leads to loss and loneliness. Your needs are important and do matter. If you do not take care of yourself physically, spiritually and emotionally, you will not experience true love

  • Fearfulness of losing love without constant giving. Your mindset may tell you the consequences of stopping will result in loss and being alone. Sometimes it is the fear of starting over that propels one to keep up the frantic pace. Sometimes it is the fear that what is familiar is better than the unknown or perhaps the possibility of never finding another person for love. The reality? This is not the type of relationship that will ever bring you peace, joy and the happiness you desire

  • Tendency to bypass clear communication. Excessive giving has a way of keeping relationships on a superficial level. You can ride the wave of good feelings and ignore challenges indefinitely. Over-giving is a diversion tactic you are using to postpone conversations you dread that may lead to the end of what you have with this person.

  • Love without balance is not fulfilling and over-giving leads to being a martyr, demanding recognition for all the things you have done for the other person and for keeping the relationship together. One sided sacrifice is not sustainable nor is it the correct way to show your appreciation to your significant other. You are worthy of love and developing a strong character will be the best gift you can give not only the man in your life, but also those in your inner circle.

    To attract your Right Relationship, order my Relationship Preparation Package or schedule your one-on-one Coaching Session with me today!

    Do you give too much in love and feel you never receive enough in return?

    Posted by Right Relationships on Wednesday, July 9, 2014

    Free in the App Store

    Learn More
    Right Relationship Counseling