Does Reconciliation Ever Work?

Have you thought about going back to a former relationship and seeing if it will work out?

Lucy Asks Nancy for Relationship Advice:

I want to know if getting back with an ex ever works?

I was with my ex for four years and we were best friends for two years before we dated. The first three years of our relationship were perfect. We got on well and he was a really caring partner and very romantic.


We broke up because he had terrible depression and anxiety and was hospitalized for a while. He kept breaking up with me and I took him back a couple of times. The third time I thought I should muster the self-respect I had left and leave. I didn’t speak to him for two years, despite the fact he tried to contact me.

I contacted him about two weeks ago and we had coffee. I still missed him and really care about him. I had the best time with him and he seemed like his old self (before he got sick). He has the mental illness under control now and I think we have both matured. I just keep wondering if it could work now.

It’s not that I’m desperate or that I just don’t want to be alone. I have had two relationships since we broke up and have dated a number of other guys. I’m seeing a guy right now, but no one seems to understand me like ex.

Nancy’s answer to Lucy’s desire to try love again:

Dear Lucy,

Of course there are times when reconciliation works and for that to happen, each person must have worked through their particular barriers to love. If that has not taken place, generally the very issues that broke you apart come to the surface very quickly and you remember all too well why the relationship ended in the first place.

In this case, it appears that the barrier to a lasting relationship was your former boyfriend’s depression and anxiety. It’s one thing to find a way to medically contain those fears and another thing to really get to the heart of why those feelings took control of him. If you are both willing to try again, I encourage you to explore this question first prior to making a mutual decision of whether or not an intimate relationship can now work. I also encourage you to set clear relationship goals with each other so you are moving in a direction in which you both agree. Do not assume that because of your previous bond that you still “know” what each other wants in love. With those boundaries set, then I suggest that you move at a reasonable but slow pace and allow mutual trust to build again. Too much time has passed for you to rely on how it felt in the beginning of your former relationship and friendship. It is important to build a solid foundation for lasting love ... with a clean slate as if you had not been together before.

There is no way to erase the hurt that you felt when your ex was consumed with his illness, and you need to prepare yourself for times when those old fears may come back if you do decide to reconcile. What many couples find is that they fall into old relationship patterns with each other ... which is natural. However, you do not want to fall back into the negative relationship pattern so just be aware of that possible tendency.

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Can We Reconcile?

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