My Boyfriend Has Emotional Affairs

Are you involved in a relationship with a man who has numerous friends who happen to be other women? Does he need validation from women other than yourself? If you have answered "yes" to these questions, I encourage you to read about Amy. Her boyfriend actively seeks out other women in order to form emotional connections to boost his fragile ego.

Amy Asks Nancy for Relationship Advice:

My boyfriend and I met off of a dating website and have been together for 10 months now. I have never felt this way about anyone and am completely in love with this man. We moved in together after 5 months of dating and I have been in heaven.

He has many female friends which I have not been threatened by because I was confident in our relationship. His phone does go off constantly and he is very protective of his privacy, but I have been confident with my place in our relationship. I have been concerned and annoyed, but not jealous.

Recently I found out that he has been searching personal ads and talking to other women in an attempt to get to know them. He says it is a need to “window shop” like all guys do, but this hurt me so bad and rocked my confidence in our relationship. He says he has not met up with anyone but just talks to them. He says that it is innocent and he always comes home to me, and if nothing else talking to these other women pushes him closer to me.

He admitted that he has a low self-esteem (which is beyond me because he is absolutely gorgeous) and has a “need to window shop” to affirm that he is attractive to other women. He also says he is completely in love with and devoted to me. I have heard of similar issues with male friends of mine who have the need to flirt etc but that wasn’t in my relationship. Now that it is, I am very concerned and don’t really know how to take it.

Does this mean he is not happy with me or that I am not good enough, or is this something men do? Why do men feel the need to flirt and get attention from other women when they are supposedly in love with someone else? Is this innocent or is this leading up to me being cheated on?

My boyfriend is 9 years older than me and recently lost his business, on depression medication and fighting for custody of his 8 year old daughter. He has a lot going on in his world, but has shown and told me over and over that he was not expecting to ever find a woman like me. He says he doesn’t feel he deserves a woman like me. I am just so confused and just don’t understand it.

Nancy’s Relationship Advice:

Dear Amy,

There are men who have low self-esteem and try to boost their confidence through emotional affairs. His excuse that all guys window shop is simply not true. A mature, emotionally stable man who is worthy of your love will not need and actively seek out the attention of other women.

Emotional affairs are just as harmful to a committed relationship as much as physical affairs. I understand that it is easy to go into a rationalization mode and tell yourself that your boyfriend has a lot going on in his personal and professional life and give this behavior a pass.

I encourage you not to tolerate this behavior from anyone you are intimately committed to. Ultimately, you will need to use this experience to determine why you attracted a man who allowed this kind of feeling into your life. As much as we want to believe it is the other person with the problem, there is always the other side of the story. What it is in your past that has a need to work through this type of feeling? You may have grown up in a home where your father had other women in his life and formed a core belief, “Men need reassurance outside of a commitment.” It is when you look at the source of why you have certain core beliefs that you will then experience true and lasting love.

For the present situation, I encourage you to have an honest conversation with your boyfriend about his “window shopping” and clearly communicate that it is an unacceptable behavior for you. He then can decide what is more important to him, and no matter what he decides to do remember it is not a reflection of your worth in love, but an area he cannot let go right now. If you compromise, you will be always wondering when he will take these emotional affairs to the next level.

On another note, moving in together without the commitment of marriage is not going to lead to a blessed relationship. If your boyfriend decides he does want to work on these issues and you are agreeable, then I strongly encourage you to live apart and use that time to not only work on the barriers to an emotionally healthy relationship, but also to work on building your faith in Jesus. It is through a strong foundation of faith that you will know who you are in all your relationships.

For more resources on how you can attract the right relationship, please start with the following:

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